I said it as a joke. My girlfriend was complaining about the state of the film industry and how she doesnâ€™t feel as if she will ever be able to sell a screenplay considering the current market conditions in Hollywood. Shitty if youâ€™re not paying attention and havenâ€™t seen any over-priced movies in a theater lately. Donâ€™t worry; unless you enjoy being under whelmed you havenâ€™t missed a thing.
So, as we were discussing the extreme amount of tripe that is getting made she mentioned the most absurd thing I have heard in a while. She was looking at recent spec sales and came across this gem â€¦ the story is about a man who lives in the ghetto/projects and has to hide a winning lottery ticket for the weekendâ€¦the kicker -Â itâ€™s a comedyâ€¦and it sold for $800,000-ish. After a moment of silent horror on my part, we quickly agreed that it might in fact be the stinkiest shit parading as a film idea ever.
Then I said it. I should write a piece of tripe and call it a screenplay and try to sell it and I bet I could sell one before you could. Then we laughed because Iâ€™ve been writing quite a bit of tripe for Associated Content and they love to pay me for it. With a knowing look of defeat on her face, she looked over at me and sighed, â€œI bet you could.â€ Then we resumed discussing what was going on in Hollywood, how itâ€™s virtually impossible to sell scripts as an unknown writer, how when you sell a television pilot that they basically give the idea to someone else, but all them a â€œshow runnerâ€ which is Hollywood speak for Head Writer so that means you are not even the head writer of a show you developed.
Iâ€™m not sure if it was the anger or the excitement of the challenge, but I broke up the conversation with the exclamation, â€œIâ€™m gonna do it! With the current state of shit that they are buying I bet I can crank out the next shitty Bourne Identity or Wild Things and I can sell it.â€
So, here I am. Iâ€™ve never written a screenplay, but I have read loads of my girlfriend’s scripts. And Iâ€™ve seen a lot of shitty movies, most of them fairly recently. What are my qualifications? Well, I do have a bachelorâ€™s in English. But I also have an MBA and get paid to do accounting, not writing. Well, except for those stinky pieces of tripe that I write for Associated Content.
But I think Iâ€™ll go about this like any other schmuck writing a piece of shit for Hollywood. You know, pick up some of those lame books that answer the question â€œI want to write a movie but I donâ€™t have any ideas, can you help?â€ and then Iâ€™ll start writing the damn thing. Then you can follow my progress as I send it out. And then I am confident that you will see me sell it.