See Me Sell A Screenplay

movies 'n such

Watch me sell a screenplay

I said it as a joke. My girlfriend was complaining about the state of the film industry and how she doesn’t feel as if she will ever be able to sell a screenplay considering the current market conditions in Hollywood. Shitty if you’re not paying attention and haven’t seen any over-priced movies in a theater lately. Don’t worry; unless you enjoy being under whelmed you haven’t missed a thing.

So, as we were discussing the extreme amount of tripe that is getting made she mentioned the most absurd thing I have heard in a while. She was looking at recent spec sales and came across this gem … the story is about a man who lives in the ghetto/projects and has to hide a winning lottery ticket for the weekend…the kicker -  it’s a comedy…and it sold for $800,000-ish. After a moment of silent horror on my part, we quickly agreed that it might in fact be the stinkiest shit parading as a film idea ever.

Then I said it. I should write a piece of tripe and call it a screenplay and try to sell it and I bet I could sell one before you could. Then we laughed because I’ve been writing quite a bit of tripe for Associated Content and they love to pay me for it. With a knowing look of defeat on her face, she looked over at me and sighed, “I bet you could.” Then we resumed discussing what was going on in Hollywood, how it’s virtually impossible to sell scripts as an unknown writer, how when you sell a television pilot that they basically give the idea to someone else, but all them a “show runner” which is Hollywood speak for Head Writer so that means you are not even the head writer of a show you developed.

I’m not sure if it was the anger or the excitement of the challenge, but I broke up the conversation with the exclamation, “I’m gonna do it! With the current state of shit that they are buying I bet I can crank out the next shitty Bourne Identity or Wild Things and I can sell it.”

So, here I am. I’ve never written a screenplay, but I have read loads of my girlfriend’s scripts. And I’ve seen a lot of shitty movies, most of them fairly recently. What are my qualifications? Well, I do have a bachelor’s in English. But I also have an MBA and get paid to do accounting, not writing. Well, except for those stinky pieces of tripe that I write for Associated Content.

But I think I’ll go about this like any other schmuck writing a piece of shit for Hollywood. You know, pick up some of those lame books that answer the question “I want to write a movie but I don’t have any ideas, can you help?” and then I’ll start writing the damn thing. Then you can follow my progress as I send it out. And then I am confident that you will see me sell it.

2 Comments

  1. Have you heard of Script Frenzy? Right after I read your other post, I got an email about this site — http://www.scriptfrenzy.org. It’s a writing event where you have to write a script (at least 20,000 words) in one month, and I think it’s in June. Their site has tutorials, resources, and forums full of information that would probably help you out. 🙂 I’m thinking I might participate, depending on how busy I am.

    Anyway, best of luck to you!

  2. Dude, I love this idea. I just found this blog through Problogger’s post contest and I’m going to be watching.

    I am immensly curious about the creative process when it comes to anything movies or Hollywood, even though I know absolutely nothing about it.

    I’ll probably post sarcastic and unhelpful humor along the way, but at the end of the day, your reasoning seems right. There is a lot of untalented & garbage screenplays being turned into cash. Why couldn’t this work?

    Best of luck. I’ll be watching.

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