See Me Sell A Screenplay

movies 'n such

Top 5 ways for me to infiltrate Hollywood and sell my screenplay before my girlfriend

Being the Sneaky McSneakster that I am, I am looking for any way to give myself an advantage over my girlfriend as I attempt to sell a screenplay before she does. As for now, she has the advantage since she has several completed scripts her under belt, a published book and the fact that she made of one of her scripts into a film last summer. So, without further adieu, and because I have a short attention span, here are the top 5 ways I have determined that I can infiltrate Hollywood and thus sell my script first.

1. Pose as an ethnic orphan in hopes that Angelina and Brad will adopt me. Well, maybe just Angelina, rowr…

2. Find out what all the studio heads drive, then rear-end them on Santa Monica Blvd. When they are shouting angrily into their cell at their insurance company, I can toss my script in their backseat. Score.

3. Get a job at Promises rehab center, because that’s where all the celebs hang out.

4. Befriend some paparazzi as they know everything about what is going down in Hollywood and where at, which can provide me with some great blackmail material.

5. Use newfound paparazzi friends to follow me around snapping my picture wherever I go, thus making myself an insta-celebrity. And we all know that Hollywood only wants a piece of you when they think everyone else does.

This post was submitted to the Group Writing Project over at ProBlogger. Let’s hope that I win so that I can get my hands on a copy of Final Draft. Or maybe I’d use the prize money to pay those paparazzi to follow me like the hungry vultures that they are. Muah hahaha.

7 Comments

  1. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a loooong time.

    Good luck selling your screenplay!

  2. Nice post — your title caught my attention! I think #2 is your best bet. 😉 Good luck with the screenplay and the Problogger contest!

  3. This was hilarious. I have an author friend, Ted, who has had some of his short stories published and has been trying to break in as a screenwriter for some time. I bounced this over to him and he thought it was great.

    http://www.tedkosmatka.com

  4. Go for #3. It has to work. Wouldn’t you think that blog posts themselves would a)inspire screenplays and b)inspire studio execs to accept screenplays based on writing a simply wonderful blog?

    Good luck. You made me laugh.

  5. I love it. I want to be rich & famous in the movie industry too, so let’s work together here.

    1. I look cute in torn children’s clothing, have access to face paint, and can hobble on crutches through soup lines like a pro. We’ll be twins. The poor male orphan version of Mary Kay & Ashley.

    2. After the crash, if we work fast, I can pose as a police officer & get lots of personal information & other industry contacts while you plant the evidence, er… script I mean.

    3. I love the rehab center idea. Let’s combine it with #1 though. The only thing more irresistible to celebrities than a poor orphan baby is a poor orphan baby with a drug addiction.

    4. Instead of befriending, let’s just rob the paparazzi. They would trade their mothers soul for a snapshot of a sweaty Henry Winkler on an exercise bike, so they have it coming to them anyway.

    5. We’ll get you some male modeling gigs first, though, so that you can erase any sense of intelligence from your persona. When you can master the lights-out look, you’ll be a true star.

    I like this blog’s premise. You have a new subscriber.

  6. Once upon a time there was a certain young & hungry writer who was also an LAPD motorcycle cop. And a component of that story (which I could not track down in detail) which asserts that he wasn’t exactly shy about using his size and cop status to get the attention of (and his script into the hand of) the people who eventually bought his work.

    That perhaps on one occasion he rolled up to a buncha titans of teevee on his police hog, swung out of the saddle and creaking in his full, leather, policeman regalia, handed his script to a one of said titans, saying something like “I’d sure appreciate it if you gave this a look.”

    The motorcycle cop who was script-whoring as shamelessly as any blogger trying to get attention was named Gene Roddenberry…

  7. amazing…… title caught my attention…. thought it must be serious or rather genuine … but it was really hillarious

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