See Me Sell A Screenplay

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Top 8 Things for Paris Hilton to Do While in Jail

With Paris Hilton confined to small cell most of the day, one has to wonder what she is doing to fill her day. She can’t party, she can’t corrupt other starlets like Britney Spears, she can’t record crappy pop albums, she can’t flash her nether regions for the entire world to see and she can’t shoot smutty fast food commercials or even pose for photographers. What’s a girl to do for a little fun to fill her days in the pokey? (and more importantly, has Paris become someone else’s ‘Tinkerbell’ in jail?)

Here are the top 8 things I think Paris Hilton should do to pass her time in jail…

1. Write a screenplay. She can follow my 31-day plan, The Lazy Bastard’s Guide to Screenwriting: From Nothing to Genius in 31 Days. Or she can revert to the 21 day plan, you know, in case she gets out early for good behavior.

2. Plan a big party for when she gets released. Put Lindsay Lohan at the top of the guest list cause it’s important to have someone that is more of a trainwreck than you are around – it makes you look even better.

3. Find out about this blog and read it during the one hour of computer time that is allowed per day. Become a champion of the Team Tripe cause, thus securing my victory.

4. Get some canvas, some paint and add artist to the resume. Call the series something tragic sounding like ‘The Jail Years’ and sell them for a ridiculous amount of cash once out of jail.

5. Plan her comeback by checking in and out of several rehab facilities. All the cool kids are doing it!

6. Take up the cause of prisoner’s rights, fashion rights that is. Stage rallies for softer fabrics and colors that are ‘in’ this season. Have Roberto Cavalli in the wings waiting for the all clear to begin working on designs.

7. Begin negotiations to sell this tragic story of a rich girl goes to jail with common criminals to the highest bidder. It will be your classic ‘fish out of water’ Hollywood comedy, that will stay true to Hollywood formula and end with Paris falling for someone from the other side of the tracks…is this a co-ed prison? Or an all women’s prison?

8. Jumpstart a porn career with a sex tape from prison! Even better if it is girl-girl, as prison seems to be a popular setting for that. Who knew prison could make you so randy?!?

You know, they should really be filming her time in jail for The Simple Life. I mean, how real is it for a drunk to get caught driving when they aren’t supposed to be and then end up in jail. It’s almost too perfect.


  1. Yeah, she’s released just one day after this post.

    I don’t follow her, her stupid show, or her stupid life, but it seems she got out for crying like a little b*****.

    I’m sure there was a convenient “medical problem” but unless it’s the bubonic plague, I’m f***ing pissed. Her show makes fun of the working class and now she’s probably sitting in her mansion having a good laugh about this whole thing and scheming up a way to cash in on it. What a c*** (and I hate that word).

    Sorry for the rant, and funny list by the way.

    Disclaimer: I haven’t followed this case, I know nothing of the judicial process, Paris Hilton, or her little dog too. I am half-angry because she could have killed somebody on the road with her DUI and nobody cares (yeah, yeah, I know it’s a probation charge) and also because Paris Hilton is richer than me. More facts about this are likely to prove that I am just a bitter person who shouldn’t have posted the above.

  2. Sorry for that, but I just practiced Yoga with my sherpa. I’m all better now.

    When Paris finishes #3 (from home now though) and comes across this, sorry Paris. I’m an angry white guy, but I’m getting better.

    Oh, I saw that Jonah Hill on the Craig Ferguson Show last night. He’s funny and he seems pretty cool. His “in” was becoming friends with Dustin Hoffman’s kids.

  3. admin

    June 8, 2007 at 2:51 pm

    You can rest easy now, Joe. The world is safe from Paris Hilton and her drunken antics again.

    Maybe I should look up Dustin Hoffman’s kids…

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