See Me Sell A Screenplay

movies 'n such

Category: Screenwriting related thoughts (page 2 of 3)

Free script coverage update

As expected, Team Talent has not yet finished the script that she wants my free script coverage on thanks to a bad case of sunburn.

But as soon as she is a lobster face no more and finishes the script I will post her free script coverage right here. Prepare to be amazed. By me, not her.

In other news, it has been a very productive day of script writing for me.

I successfully stared at the screen for over 2 hours and did not produce one line of dialogue. What a day. If I keep this up I’ll be finished in no time.

Of course I did re-read what I had already written. It’s great. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I have the best half of a movie ever. Wait, I’ve got an idea – anyone got the last half of a script out there with no first half? We can put them together and have an entire movie! Hooray!

Note to self…

There will be no beating Team Talent if my kickass script does not get finished.

Must. work. on. script.

Must. beat. Team. Talent.

Victory will be mine. I will sell my script before she does. I will laugh about it.  Tripe will trump talent.

script update

In case you were wondering about the progress I made, I am here to dispel the rumors. Yes I saw Resident Evil 3 last weekend. Yes it kicked so much ass. Yes I thought it would inspire me to work on my script. No it did not. Yes I did think about writing on the script. Then I got all excited about offering free script coverage and taking away the business of all the hacks that charge $90 and up for script coverage. I am a hack too only I will do it for free, so I am thinking that I can put them out of business. Of course, there are bound to be script coverage snobs that will want to pay some hack. To them I say, I will take your money fools!

New Jersey is the utopia of all travel destinations

It is really a shame that you have to go through New Jersey to get to New York. Unless of course you are on the east side of New York.

I like to think of New Jersey as the armpit of America. My little brother says that New Jersey is nothing but a bunch of short buses and stinky smells. He made this proclamation after his first trip through Jersey on the way to NYC. Such a smart one he is.

I think it’s funny that you have to pay to get out of Jersey but you don’t have to pay to get in when you are driving through the state.

Maybe just by thinking of this utopia that is Jersey I will be inspired and work through my screenwriting funk. Or I could just frighten myself to death. You know, I could think ‘if you don’t finish this script then you are going to have to move to Jersey.’ Frankly, that kind of threat is enough to motivate anyone. Thinking about it sends a chill down my spine. Talk about your horror movie – I’ve got one – a group of attractive co-eds do spring break in Jersey only to have to fight for their lives to escape. Then they get to the state line and don’t have any cash on them so they can’t leave.

Anyways, I am smack dab in the middle of my script. Also known as the boring part. Or the filler. But don’t worry, I’ll get it finished. I’m just lazy. And besides, I may be busy reading other people’s scripts soon if anyone takes me up on the free script coverage.

Horror movie idea

I think I’ve just had a brilliant idea. In fact, I might should stop working on my action movie script and work on this one instead. It’s a horror movie idea. It’s very scary. Are you ready?  There is a formula for it. And I think I might just reveal it to you.

One aging has-been and mostly bald underneath a wig pop star +  shiny outfit + captive audience

See, I told you it was most frightening. Oh wait, this looks familiar….

Oh cripes, that’s right. It is familiar. It’s Britney on the VMA’s on MTV.  Sends a shiver down your spine, doesn’t it? Told ya it was a good idea.

still no title

I still don’t have a title for my yet to be finished script that I am working on but I have decided on one thing. It needs to be a title that can lend itself to a horrible headline like the “Halloween Scares Up Big Holiday Crowds” headline that is on Hollywood Reporter’s front page. How hokey is that? And Hollywood is all about hokey. In fact, maybe I should just call my movie “Hokey Pokey” and let that be it.

Of course, it’s an action movie, so that might not be entirely fitting. Oooh, I think I’ve got something. See, there is a bit of a heist element to the script, which could lead to headlines like

  • “(insert clever movie name here) steals the number one spot in the box office…”
  • “(insert clever movie name here) snuck it’s way up to number one…”
  • “(insert hot actor here) stole the hearts of audiences everywhere this weekend…”

Well, you get the picture.

Day , er, uh…? Basically I’m still not finished, okay?

Okay. So, here’s the story….I’m sorta kinda still not finished with my screenplay, but I have a good excuse.

I haven’t worked on it. At all. In like forever.

See, that’s why I’m not finished. But I am feeling motivated. The Bourne Ultimatum kicked some ass when it came out, which confirmed for me that shitty action movies are the way to Hollywood’s cold little heart. So, instead of writing my Julie Strain’s ho’s stand-off against Lil’ Kim’s ho’s short, I will be slaving away at another shitty Hollywood action movie.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking:

“Screenwriting MoFo is a douchebag that can’t write a script. Thought it was gonna be easy, but looks like it’s not. Muah hahahaha.”

To that I say:

Piss off.  Writing the filler part is a pain in my ass. But I’m not worried. Oh no. See, Team Talent has sent her little wanna-be Hollywood blockbuster out to one contest and to the Disney Fellowship. And that’s it. Other than that she’s been sitting on it. Waiting for it to hatch like all of the other finished scripts she doesn’t send out. So, I’m not worried. Remember that little kiddie story about the turtle and the hare? Slow and easy wins the race baby.

And now, I leave you with this thought….on the front page of Variety is a link to the Women’s Impact Report, a spotlight on the industry’s femme movers and shakers. I look at this and am struck my one thought –

There’s women in Hollywood that are movers and shakers? Where the hell are they hiding them?


car crashes = hella bucks & blockbuster status

It is no secret that The Bourne Ultimatum is kicking ass all over the place. It broke box office records with the best August opening ever. It has out performed the previous Bourne movies. Basically it is a box office ninja.

I haven’t seen it. But I have seen the other Bourne movies, which are known for their insane car chases. Although, the best car chase I have ever seen in a film is in Four Brothers when they are chasing on the icy road. That’s just too schweet.

Anyways – car chases. I am planning on having one in my script. I’m looking at having it come in around page 90 or so. But now that I am thinking about this whole Bourne Ultimatum giving all the other films a major bitch slapping I’m wondering if I should rethink this whole car chase thing.

Should there be a car chase earlier in the script? Or is Matt Damon really the cash cow of the movie? Or Julia Stiles?

Heh, okay, that was a joke.

Note to self – add insane car chase to script. Hell, add two!

Day 61: Lessons learned about screenwriting

Yes, it’s true what you’ve heard about me. I’m writing a kickass shit-of-a-screenplay.

Each day that I work on it I have dreams of Tom Cruise and John Travolta welcoming me to Hollywood once I sell my work of tripe. They take me on Travolta’s plane where we fly out to Roswell. During the flight we take turns cracking jokes about Brooke Shields and Freud. We land in Roswell where we wait for Xenu and the other badass ninja aliens to take me to join the Galactic Confederacy. (which I think is alien-speak for a gay man’s rave. or maybe a bathhouse.)


But that’s another story…

As I’ve spent some time tripe writing, I mean screenwriting, I’ve noticed that the screenwriting books do have one thing on the money. That blasted second act is damn horrible to write. What they forgot to mention is that it is also hella boring since it’s basically just filler to get you to the third act.

But I have found a solution.

Skip it. Skip right to the exciting stuff and work on the end instead. That way you don’t waste your time writing too much filler. And it will help to speed the process along.

Yes, I know I have just helped you in your own screenwriting. You can thank me later, because now I have an appointment with the Galactic Confederacy, who look suspiciously like the Village People…

speaking of fake documentaries

maybe I should do a fake rock star documentary in the vein of This Is Spinal Tap, only about Britney Spears. I mean, honestly, she’s provided so much good material lately. From the no-panties shots to rehab to the head shaving to the rehab again, and the rehab again. What’s next? I could write what is next, that’s what!

 Or I could take Joe’s suggestion and do a Rocky meets Napolean Dynamite with a little Bring It On. And honestly, who would not want to see that shit? I can’t think of anyone. Actually, I think, after looking at the top grossing films of 2006, that I’ll stick with a actiony-adventure-mystery type of movie. Cause did you see Rocky on that list?

The question is, can I combine pirates + da vinci code + james bond = one movie that Hollywood will go apeshit over? If not, maybe I should start my own rehab tour…

The Britney Spears Rehab Tour 2007

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