See Me Sell A Screenplay

movies 'n such

Category: Tripe vs. Talent (page 2 of 2)

talking smack, tripe versus talent

Toady on the way to my boring accounting job, I had a miniature epiphany, which in no way resembles a miniature schnauzer. See, I had the forming thoughts of an actual idea for this script. Not a complete idea, thus the miniature part. However, I didn’t let that stop me from gloating. As soon as I got to my desk, I fired off a snarky email to my girlfriend letting her know that I was on the cusp of greatness.

Then, by 10am or so, I came up with my Act II metaphor scene, which will be on index card #5. Excited by my progress, I felt the need to gloat again, so I fired off another email in my typical lack of attention to spelling/capitalization/grammar rules,

i have my page 45 act II metaphor scene. oh yes, i am the tripe master, no, the tripe czar, no….the tripe ninja!

That’s right, I’m a smack talker. I don’t know if there is a 12-step program for it, but I should really look for one. I mean, ferchrissakes, I don’t even have a whole idea and I’m talking smack! But, it didn’t get her all riled up at all…

i’m fairly certain you are all three

Then, on my lunch break I’m telling her how I have about 3/4 of my idea, but I’m stuck on what the villian/obstacle will be, and she doesn’t miss a beat, telling me that David Caruso’s acting will be my obstacle. Touche.

And just now, unprovoked, I swear, she sends me this…

and I am working on my script. be afraid, be very afraid… are those the bells of victory I hear?

To which I reply,

 yeh, and i’m ringing ’em

And, apparently realizing that it is indeed me ringing those victory bells, there is a noticeable silence on her end. I do hope she is preparing her concession speech.

Day 2 of the Lazy Bastards Guide to Screenwriting: From Nothing to Genius in 31 Days post will be up later today.

C’mon, sing it with me now…. “we shall overcome, …”

I’ve looking, or at least trying to look, at screenplays of successful but craptastic movies online, you know to give me an idea of what really needs to be on page one. Well, it’s not working out so well for me. Most of the scripts I want to see, like the Da Vinci Code, are just not avaialable online for free. And when I do find one, it doesn’t have page numbers. Now, of course I know that page one is indeed the first page, but I’m more concerned with where it ends. How much is actually page one?

Tomb Raider was one of the first craptastic movies to enter my mind. At first, I couldn’t find the script anywhere. Then, finally, I found it. My heart rejoiced, I announced my victory to my girlfriend who was in the same room. Then the webpage loaded. If you look at the page here, you’ll notice something rather tragic when you start to read it. Let me highlight it for you in case you missed it.


I’ll be damned! That was the only page I wanted to see! Bastards!

21 days to genius

As I prepare to get ready to craft my first ever screenplay, I’m soaking up all I can from How to write a movie in 21 days, because let’s face it, I have other things to do and I’m psyched about being able to crank a script out in 21 days. Yes, that’s right, in less than a month I can be sending out query letters and being on the road to annihilating my opposition. Let’s hear it for Team Tripe! woot, woot!

So, here’s how it’s supposed to go down.

  • Days 1-7 are to be used to write a “very fast random draft”
  • Day 8, rest. I’m guessing the author is dyslexic, cause aren’t ya supposed to rest on the 7th day? I mean, if it was good enough for God….
  • Day 9, read that random draft I pulled out of my ass on days 1-7
  • Days 10-17, rewrite. Balls to that.
  • Days 18-20, tweak and polish.
  • Day 21, celebrate. Oh yes, because victory will be mine. Too bad I’m not near Vegas, I’d like to see what they’d put my odds at.

And that is it friend. The 21-day movie writing plan, only to be utilized by the serious screenwriting mofo.

And now, we interrupt the regularly scheduled blogging for an IMM important note!

Inner Movie Axiom: Fiction is a way to tell the truth.

The above nugget is on page 29 of my bible, under the frightening section headline “How to make up a true story.” Cripes.

Top 5 ways for me to infiltrate Hollywood and sell my screenplay before my girlfriend

Being the Sneaky McSneakster that I am, I am looking for any way to give myself an advantage over my girlfriend as I attempt to sell a screenplay before she does. As for now, she has the advantage since she has several completed scripts her under belt, a published book and the fact that she made of one of her scripts into a film last summer. So, without further adieu, and because I have a short attention span, here are the top 5 ways I have determined that I can infiltrate Hollywood and thus sell my script first.

1. Pose as an ethnic orphan in hopes that Angelina and Brad will adopt me. Well, maybe just Angelina, rowr…

2. Find out what all the studio heads drive, then rear-end them on Santa Monica Blvd. When they are shouting angrily into their cell at their insurance company, I can toss my script in their backseat. Score.

3. Get a job at Promises rehab center, because that’s where all the celebs hang out.

4. Befriend some paparazzi as they know everything about what is going down in Hollywood and where at, which can provide me with some great blackmail material.

5. Use newfound paparazzi friends to follow me around snapping my picture wherever I go, thus making myself an insta-celebrity. And we all know that Hollywood only wants a piece of you when they think everyone else does.

This post was submitted to the Group Writing Project over at ProBlogger. Let’s hope that I win so that I can get my hands on a copy of Final Draft. Or maybe I’d use the prize money to pay those paparazzi to follow me like the hungry vultures that they are. Muah hahaha.

And in this corner, we have opponent #1…

Riley LaShea. My girlfriend. My archnemesis in this little competition.

Riley already has her script polished off, waiting to be printed and bound with brass fasteners and a crisp white cardstock. She has a zillion and one screenplays that she has finished and she’s sitting on. Does she think they will hatch? Maybe, I dunno.

What does she have going for her? Well, first she’s a shag-me-sexy hot mama. As if she needs anything else to back her up after that, but sadly she has plenty. She’s published a book. And she’s HUGE in Oakland. No, really, she’s practically a celebrity there. Thankfully, the movie industry is not in Oakland or I’d be screwed. And wait, there’s more! She filmed one of her movies last year. Remember those scripts waiting to hatch into cute little movies? Well, one finally hatched last summer.

Her weaknesses? Cheez-its, but only the reduced fat ones, any movies with Dina Meyer in them, and the History channel. She also doesn’t know the password to our account – so how is she going to mail out those query letters? muah hahaha

For more on my opponent, visit

stepping up the game

My girlfriend has identfied what script of hers from her ALREADY COMPLETED SCREENPLAY ARSENAL that she plans on sending out at the same time as me. I admit, it’s a good one. And it has a male lead. I think it might even follow the formula I found yesterday.

Sexy hero? check. Dastardly villian? check. Quest & conflict? check and check. And she gets bonus points for a surprise twist at the end.

But I bet it’s TOO good for Hollywood. And so I forge on. Even though she does have a pinch more credibility than she since she has an independent film under her belt AS WELL AS a published book. Heh, I still bet I can sell a script before she does.

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