See Me Sell A Screenplay

movies 'n such

Category: Lazy bastards guide (page 1 of 4)

Day , er, uh…? Basically I’m still not finished, okay?

Okay. So, here’s the story….I’m sorta kinda still not finished with my screenplay, but I have a good excuse.

I haven’t worked on it. At all. In like forever.

See, that’s why I’m not finished. But I am feeling motivated. The Bourne Ultimatum kicked some ass when it came out, which confirmed for me that shitty action movies are the way to Hollywood’s cold little heart. So, instead of writing my Julie Strain’s ho’s stand-off against Lil’ Kim’s ho’s short, I will be slaving away at another shitty Hollywood action movie.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking:

“Screenwriting MoFo is a douchebag that can’t write a script. Thought it was gonna be easy, but looks like it’s not. Muah hahahaha.”

To that I say:

Piss off.  Writing the filler part is a pain in my ass. But I’m not worried. Oh no. See, Team Talent has sent her little wanna-be Hollywood blockbuster out to one contest and to the Disney Fellowship. And that’s it. Other than that she’s been sitting on it. Waiting for it to hatch like all of the other finished scripts she doesn’t send out. So, I’m not worried. Remember that little kiddie story about the turtle and the hare? Slow and easy wins the race baby.

And now, I leave you with this thought….on the front page of Variety is a link to the Women’s Impact Report, a spotlight on the industry’s femme movers and shakers. I look at this and am struck my one thought –

There’s women in Hollywood that are movers and shakers? Where the hell are they hiding them?


Day 45 – back on the wagon

Yes, that’s right I have made it back onto the wagon, turnip truck, etc. – whatever you call it I am back on it.

 More importantly I am up to page 47. I spent the past 30 minutes writing and gained 2 pages. Two pages of glistening beauty. Oh wait, that was that magazine I was reading in the car on my lunch break. Where was I? Oh yes, two pages of a shitty action movie; only 67 more pages to go!

In other news, I’d like to have some of whatever the staff of the Hollywood Reporter is having. It’s a little past 4:30 p.m. on 6/28/07 for me, yet their website has news for 6/29/07 available. wtf?


And Cameron Diaz will star in a new horror film, The Box. Has she been in a horror film before? I mean, besides The Holiday because anything with Jack Black as a leading man is definitely a scary movie.

Day 43 – falling off the wagon

Falling off the wagon sounds painful. You might be surprised to know that I have indeed fallen off the wagon at this point, having not written anything on the script since last week. So, I can tell you that falling off the wagon does not hurt.

What hurts is planning on hoisting yourself back up onto the wagon just to discover that your stupidass left your jumpdrive in your computer at home – and the jumpdrive is the only place you have a copy of the script. That means another day of your ass hanging off the side of the wagon. Dammit man.

All these wagon references make me think about the old school Oregon Trail computer game. Ahh, good times.

Day 37 – I’m at the ‘clue to resolution’

Yes, that’s right kiddies, I’ve made it to page 45, where there is supposed to be a clue to the resolution. And by god, there is a clue to the resolution on my page 45.

And here’ s my new thought. I need to write in a cameo for LonelyGirl15. Seems Lonelygirl15 is getting some mad cash from Neutrogena and that kinda tie in would be schweet. Actually, good for lonelygirl15 because what is actually kind of odd in this story (to me) is that the peeps that did lonelygirl15 are repped by CAA, thanks to their YouTube popularity.

Day 35 – back on track

After looking through my script and fixing my spacing errors in my dialogue, I’m back up to 41 pages. I admit I was hoping that it would be a bigger jump, but apparently I’ll have to actually write dialogue to accomplish that. Can you imagine?

 I write better with music on, so I just turned on the radio to some kind of flashback moment. “Baby Got Back” is playing currently. I’m too mortified to change the station. I imagine that the Wayan brothers listened to this when they wrote White Chicks. And the Olsen twins listen to it on the sets of all their movies. Those wacky Olsen twins.

It makes me want to write a movie like House Party. Maybe I should change the station…

Day 34 – still not done

Yes, it is true, I am still a slacker. I’ve been doing some reading on my screenwriting books from the library. And I’ve realized something. I’ve made some mistakes in my formatting on my script. This is great news, because when I format it correctly I might end up with a page or two more than I have now. See, I haven’t been leaving a line between a parenthetical and the rest of the dialouge when a character is speaking. For instance, here is the way it is supposed to look (from one of my books):

You still smoke?
(off Ben’s odd look)

Cigarette burn on your finger.

And here is the way I have been writing, using the same example:

You still smoke? (off Ben’s odd look)
Cigarette burn on your finger.

I’m totally gonna have more pages than I thought. Booyah.

Day 31 – still not a genius

Okay, okay, I could lie to you, tell you that I pulled an all-nighter and finished the script. Or I could tell you that I called in to work to stay home and finish it. I could tell you those things. But they wouldn’t be true.

The truth is that I haven’t worked on it since I got to 41 pages. Actually, I did look at it one day, did a little editing and ended up with 40 pages, so go figure.

Could I have written it in 31 days? Yes. If I didn’t have a day job. I actually spent very little time on it the few days I did some writing. Heck, I bet you could even do it in those 21 days if you didn’t have a job to go to. Or a life. Unfortunately, I have both.

So, how long will it take? I dunno, maybe 41 days? Procrastination is part of the problem. And boredom. Have you ever read any action movie screenplays? Bor-ing. Writing one isn’t any more exciting.

I guess I’m shooting for the 41 days now. Actually, I should make it 60 and then finish it in 40 so that I will look like an amazing, uber-talented over-achiever. I can see the headline now “Screenwriting MoFo finishes 60 day script in an amazing 40 days!” People will ooh and ahh and want me to kiss their babies.

Team Talent – another reason why I gotta gets my ass in gear. Team Talent has already submitted her script to a contest. And is getting ready to send it in to the Disney Fellowship. It doesn’t matter if she gets either of them with the script though, as the object is to be the first to sell a script. And we all know that I will be that person.

I was just about to write a sentence that included the title of my movie…that’s when I realized that I still don’t have one. Dammit man.

Day 30 – D’oh, plagued by forgetfulness

I (stupidly) only have one copy of the Word doc that is my schweet screenplay in the making. I keep it on my 2 gig jump drive so that I can work on it at home or at work. I’m at work now, my jump drive is not. Seems I’ve left it in the computer at home.

Now, luckily I know where I was at in the script. Not so luckily, I’ll have to transfer everything from the document I create today into the one at home. This means wasted time. And the fact that I won’t be able to tell if I’m hitting my page marks as I write today. Dammit man.

Or, here’s a better idea. I can just claim that Mike White stole my jump drive cause he wanted my script. Yeah! And then I can say that it was actually a completed script, even though it wasn’t.

Or maybe I can become a scientologist and say that the aliens took it! 

Or maybe I’ll finish it up by tomorrow night. You never know about me.

Procrastination will be my downfall

So, yesterday, day 29…..didn’t do a thing related to the script.

I had a dreadfully long meeting/conference call at work in the a.m. Then in the p.m. I had a meeting about the morning meeting. Say what? I feel like I’m in Office Space, only without the possibility of checking an account balance at the ATM and seeing that I’m a millionaire. And I don’t have a red stapler. Or work with anyone named Milton. Or in computers. So, actually, my work is nothing like Office Space, except for the utter ridiculousness of it all.

But I still have time to finish the script. Besides, the real contest isn’t seeing if I can have a script in 31 days, it’s seeing if I can sell it before Team Talent.

Rolling right along

I’m up to page 41, and it’s starting to become a bore.

In the hack books I’ve been reading, it told me that pages 31-90 were the most difficult. What they did not say is that they are super boring. And lame.

But I’m over a third of the way there. I’m shooting for 114 pages.

Team Talent thinks it’s funny that I’m not having fun. She thinks I’m having difficulty writing. But that’s not true. The shite dialogue is still flowing, it just not interesting to me at the moment.

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